


Failure is a fickle thing

by CaptainLokii



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: Depression, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-06 06:01:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17934179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLokii/pseuds/CaptainLokii
Summary: When Base dies its the tipping point that sends Ian over the edge when keeping his depression and PTSD secret becomes all to much.What Ian doesn't know is Base was harbouring a secret all of his own.What happens when those secrets get exposed.





	1. The aftermath and homecoming

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic is spawned from a headcanon share athon with the wonderful Basenewman on tumblr. We came up with a fix it that was the bullshit of Bases death whilst also continueing the wonderfully handled storyline of Ian's suicide attempt. This is how way of fixing it without taking away from Ian's experiences. 
> 
> Comments, shares and Kudos much appreciated

_beep....beep....beep.... beep...._

The stupid machine had been driving him nuts since he woke up. It was how he knew he'd failed. There were no fluffy pillows waiting for him on the other side just fire and brimstone. 

At least now he knew why patients always freaked out when they removed their own intubation tube. He coughed and spluttered and the bloody machine went nuts as did everyone else when the parade of people came barging in and ordering him to lay back down. Dylan had yelled at him about just having had major surgery or something but he didn't care he needed to get out. 

It had taken Dylan and Jacob holding him down and the evil eye off Connie to convince him to lay back down. Not before he'd ripped out his IV and torn a few stitches in the process. Jan hadn't been to impressed when she showed up moments later and saw the blood seeping through his gown.

He saw Gem watching him through the blinds and she'd looked so disappointed and angry. He couldn't blame her. He couldn't even get topping himself right. It was three days later and she still hadn't done more than watch him through the blinds every now and again. 

Jan and Ruby had taken turns in sitting by his bedside trying to get him to talk to them or eat something but he couldn't even look them in the eye. What was the point? He'd done his goodbyes he couldn't face doing it again. 

That afternoon Ben Harding comes down from upstairs to 'talk' to him about what he'd been feeling. Jan had been on guard duty at the time and told him that she was leaving so he could have some privacy and that she'd be back in an hour. Doctor Harding started asking him questions about if he remembered what he did and why did he do it and what was he feeling now. The questions angered him further. He ignored him and rolled over in his bed not saying a word. He didn't need a therapist he needed to escape. 

Eventually the good doctor gave up his attempts at getting a reply and left after telling him that per the ambulance services regulations he was required to have a minimum of six months therapy along side work before he was fully signed off. He didn't care. He didn't plan on being here six more hours let alone six months. 

He waited a few minutes after the doctor left and Jan didn't return to switch off the monitor so it didn't start screeching at him again when he ripped off the wires stuck all over his skin. He ripped out the IV a bit more carefully this time and took his belongings out of the bedside draw. It took a bit of time to get his socks and shoes on given bending was an issue with so many stitches and the fact they'd had to break his ribs to get to his heart. Physical pain didn't matter though compared to the pain he'd felt these past few months. Once he was dressed he carefully opened the room door and slid out. No one noticed him leaving despite his walking past the nurses station and several of his old friends. 

Figures. 

~~

He had to walk home as he wasn't carrying his wallet when he swallowed a couple bottles of pills a few nights previous. When he turned the key using the secret spare behind a lose brick only he knew about and shuffles into the cold and dark hallway his chest is screaming in agony. 

Everything was just where he left it save for the missing pill bottles. He realised now he should've disposed of the bottles in case he was found so they wouldn't have known how to treat him before it was to late. Stupid mistakes, he thought to himself. So many stupid mistakes. He couldn't even get the most basic of things right. 

The photos are still over turned and the scrunched up notes are still on the floor and even the mostly empty glass of water still sits on the coffee table. Even without him there nothing had changed. Just like nothing would when he was gone for good. 

~~

He has to practically drag himself up the stairs to his bedroom. Every little tug on the stitches or bump to his ribs sets the pain off again and his eyes are stinging by the time he reaches the top step. He uses the walls on either side of him to steady himself as he shuffles to the bedroom. Its there that he freezes.

Laying across the bed is a scruffy well worn coat. A coat that for the last few weeks he'd been using as his only source of comfort. The only way he'd managed to get any sleep is if he climbed inside it and let the oversized coat envelope him. Ever since Base died. 

He'd thought it ridiculous at first when he'd been released from the police station and Jan had taken him home. She pulled out a bag from the boot of her car and said she'd taken a few things from Bases flat. Some keepsakes to remember him by. It had been full of photos and knick knacks like those stupidly ugly animal figurines Base had started collecting since he got his own place. He'd teased him about Base becoming an old woman since he got clean yet couldn't help himself buying Base a new one when he passed a charity shop. He hadn't managed to sleep that night because every time he closes his eyes he saw the cold dead body of Base laying in front of him. He ended up getting the bag of things out and sorting through them. The next morning he went back round to the flat which the police no longer considered a crime scene and snuck in. Base had no family to come and collect his possessions so they'd just end up being thrown away once his death certificate was written. He didn't go in with the intention of taking things. Really he just wanted to feel for certain that Base was truly gone. When he got back to his flat though he had a bag full of things but most importantly he had Bases coat. He'd almost walked past it on the way out the door but it was the scent that made him turn back. The sweet and warm smell that Base had that made him feel calm and relaxed. It was an instinctual reaction to pick up the coat and walk out with it. 

He'd worn Bases clothes before as Base had his when they'd stayed over at the others place. His clothes used to fit Base perfectly because he always preferred his clothes to be over sized which was normal sized for Base but Base had teased him for how his clothes drowned him. Base was so tall that on Ian the sleeves hung down to mid thigh and he had to roll up the ends of his trousers just to not stumble over fabric when walking. 

That night when he once again hadn't been able to sleep he felt himself drawn to the coat once more. He'd wrapped himself up in it and Bases smell and laid back down and cried till he fell asleep. After that it became a habit and need of comfort to wrap himself up in it when he went to bed. 

It was the coat which lead him to realising he didn't deserve to exist any more. That night he couldn't sleep no matter how hard he clung on to the soft fabric. No matter how deep he breathed in the coats scent he couldn't feel Base with him any more and Base was truly gone for good. He'd failed him again like he had before and like he'd failed Mia and Sam and everyone else in his life. His mum had been right about him. 

Instead of sleeping that night he'd made sure everything was in order. He didn't want to inconvenience anyone further by having to have them sort through his things before selling his house. He bagged up everything for donation or binning and all he had to do next was say his final goodbyes. 

Turned out he failed at that as well. Who the hell manages to fail at overdosing on all those pills? He'd been to jobs where patients had died from taking a fraction of that amount. He needed something quicker than an overdose. 

He picks up the coat one last time and breathes in the scent trying to find even the slightest hint of Base but it's gone just like Base is. He lets the fabric fall from his finger tips as he shuffles back to the bathroom not before grabbing something from his army days from the back of his wardrobe as he passed. 

The cabinet was still open from where he'd grabbed the pills. He pushed it shut and looked at his face in the mirror. His stubble was almost a full beard by now and his hair stood up in every direction. He had dark rings around his eyes and his skin was pale and thin as paper. He looked like utter shit. He runs the bath and examines the military issue knife he used to carry around with him everywhere. 

When he was a soldier the knife was his best friend. It could be used for cooking and cleaning for mending things and for self defence or if you were bored a bit of entertainment as you juggled it and tried to avoid stabbing yourself. Now he realised it had much better uses that were less likely to fail. 

When the bath is full of piping hot water he puts his phone on the sink and removes his clothes sans his boxers. He doesn't want to horrify who ever finds him by them seeing him starkers. He figures he should probably test the blade is still sharp before he bothers with the full shebang. He presses the knife deep into his thigh and drags it across watching as the beads of red bubble up behind it. He repeats the process until the strokes stop leaving beads of blood and instead are deep enough to let vibrant red liquid trickle down his thigh. His thighs now littered with numerous angry read lines. The blade was definitely sharp enough. He watches with interest as the blood drips from his leg into the clear bath water and dissolves into nothing like it hadn't been there to begin with. That's what he wanted. What he needed and craved. Just nothingness. 

He lowers himself into the bath and raises the blade to his wrist when his phone pings. He rests the blade on the side and reaches out for the device and reads the screen. It was Gem. 

_Gem: Ian where are you? Charlie said you left without discharging yourself? I'm heading round yours. Please be okay. I need you. Xx._

Shit. He didn't want it to be Gem that found him. She was finally happy with Rash and was doing something with her life that didn't involve her getting in trouble with the law. That was why he took her key before so she didn't have to see him like that. 

He tossed the phone back on to the sink and closed the blade back into its casing. He could wait another day. What was one more day if it meant not scarring his baby sister for life? 

He quickly dries himself and digs up some old first aid gear and wraps it tightly round his thigh so Gem doesn't see the blood. He's just managed to pull his shirt on when the door bell rings furiously.


	2. Fighting misery only brings more pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 months later and Ian is still struggling. What will it take for him to finally accept real help?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not that happy with his chapter but its just build up to the big part of the story in a later chapter. Enjoy
> 
> Comments and Kudos are much appreciated. Share around the rest of the fandom if you like.

He was useless. 

It had been four whole months since Gem had come round and he still hadn't been brave enough to get back in that bath. He'd thought about it sure but something always stopped him and he hated himself for it. 

How could he be so cowardly? He saw the way everyone looked at him with pity. Every time he had to walk into the hospital and see people he knows they all have the same look in their eyes. Even Sacha Levy averts his eyes if he sees him in the corridor. 

He should've just fucking done it when he had the chance. 

~~

He tries to get out of the house most days now. Only to stop someone coming round and bothering him in his own personal space. Most days he goes to the ambulance bay and sits in the staff or locker room whilst people go about their work without even realising he's there. 

Jan notices though. The only thing she refuses to notice is that he doesn't want her to. She insists on driving him home every night and always lets herself in and checks his fridge for food and tuts when its still empty and the living room is littered with empty take out boxes. She moans at him to not be such a slob and some hippy bollocks about a messy house leading to a messy mind. He never replies.

Since he came home he's not said much to anyone. Even when Gem came round she did all the talking. He just nodded or shrugged to what ever she had to say until eventually she went away. He didn't feel like talking because he didn't know what to say. He was scared that if he opened his mouth everything would come spilling out. About Mia and Sam and Base. About what happened with Ross and how no one believed he was innocent. Even old things like Rita and her lies or how Lilly had been so ashamed to be dating him. Most of all he feared that if he spoke he couldn't stop himself from admitting out loud how much he loved Base. 

Admitting it scared him. He'd known it since before Base died really but when he saw him laying there not breathing he'd felt his whole world come tumbling down around him. He'd dreamt of kissing Base so many times to see how soft his lips really were yet life had been cruel and the only time their lips had touched was when doing rescue breaths. 

He'd never been attracted to a man before. Not that he'd noticed any way but meeting Base unlocked something with in him he'd kept deeply buried his entire life even from himself. He always thought that people over reacted when they spoke about being in love. He met women he thought were beautiful and assumed that that is what other men had meant when they spoke about women being hot or sexy. He never got the appeal for large breasts and such but he went along with it because its just what men did. He dated women and loved women but then Base came along. It was then that he realised he'd had it wrong all along. At first it scared him. He was raised working class in the north then joined the army. It wasn't exactly a fountain of liberal ideas. Suddenly realising that the reason he never understood others obsession with women was because he wasn't attracted to them. The dots suddenly connected in his head that his toxic relationships with women of letting them manipulate and use him were all from his own selfish need to fit in. 

Base made him see that large breasts didn't do it for him because firm chests did. Curvy hips meant nothing compared to the square hips of a man. The dots connected and he realised all the time's he'd admired other men for the fitness or dress sense or personality in the past hadn't been all that heterosexual. Suddenly he found himself rethinking the vast majority of his adult life. 

He was gay and he was to scared to admit it. 

“Ian love. You've got to eat something with a few more vitamins in than a greasy kebab” Jan said waking him from his thoughts. He was curled up on the sofa in pyjamas that hadn't been washed in far to long and were covered in stains from god knows what whilst she picked up various bits of rubbish and shoved them in a black sack she must've brought with her because he sure as shit hadn't bought any. 

He remembered one of the last times Base had been round his. He'd been clearing up after him the moment he stepped through the door. He couldn't ever help himself. Even when he was at his lowest with drugs he still kept a spotless home. 

“Ian” Jan said snapping her fingers in front of his face “Did you do any shopping today?” he looked away. “Love i've told you that if you want to come back to work you need to make an effort at least. Look at what you're living like. When was the last time you shaved? Or went for a run? I know you were cleared for exercise a month ago and you used to love your morning runs. I don't mean to cause offence love I know i'm not one to talk but it's starting to show with all these kebabs you've been eating” great so she thought he was a freak, a slob and now fat. Life just was fucking dandy wasn't it. 

“How can you find anything in this mess any way? Look this container has mould growing in it Ian.” he doesn't look at what she's holding. “Ian you need to talk to me at some point. I only want what's best for you so does Ruby and everyone else back at the station. Talk to us or someone please.” He can't. He can't talk to anyone because what was he going to say? “hello my name is Ian Dean and I'm a massive queer who fell in love with their best mate then watched them die and also caused the death of their former lover and best friends girlfriend in one day. I'm a huge fuck up who can't even kill themselves properly and cuts themselves like they're a 13 year old girl whilst also crying themselves to sleep every night whilst wrapped up in the coat of your dead best friend you were in love with.” yeah that would really go down well. They'd already tried to section him once he'd never fucking get out if he told them that. 

He heard her tying the bag up in a knot barely having made a dent in the mess around the room. “I really don't know what I'm going to do with you Ian Dean. I really don't” she pat him on the shoulder and kissed his cheek “Try and eat something fresh tonight sweet heart and go to bed at a reasonable hour. Call me if you need anything and I mean anything Ian. I'll see you in the morning as usual” She takes her coat and sack of rubbish and opens the front door. 

He doesn't know what makes him do it but completely without thinking he calls “Goodbye Jan” after her as she leaves. She freezes in the door way a moment before shutting the door. 

~~

It's time, he realises. Time to stop being such a fucking coward and get on with it. He's miserable in this existance and hes making everyone around him miserable with it. 

He repeats every step he did before. He runs the bath and gets the knife out from its hiding place. Its no longer buried behind all his clothes. Not now he uses it almost daily. Now it lives beneath a towel in the bathroom so it's always close at hand. With it is a first aid kit stocked with things he'd take from the ambulance store rooms when everyone was on a shout and he was left alone. He won't be needing those any more though. 

The water is warm and almost at the rim of the bath after he gets in. He wasn't entirely sure why on films they always showed people killing themselves in full bath tubs but he supposed their was some kind of science behind it and he wasn't risking another failure. He'd left his phone downstairs with his new note just in case. 

He flicks the knife blade out of its sheath and looks at his reflection in the shiny metal. Even he could admit he looked a shadow of his former self. Even his heard was going grey now. He lets the blade trace down his arm till he reaches his wrist. 

For the most part when he'd been cutting he'd managed to keep them localised to his thighs and stomach where it couldn't be seen but eventually he'd needed more canvass for his work and had needed to resort to long sleeves as scars covered his arms to. No one noticed the change or no one cared he wasn't sure but it served its purpose. 

From all the suicide cases he'd been to over years he knew the quickest and most effective way was to slit length ways not width ways like he had been when he just needed to feel something other than the pain in his head. He knew that he'd have to cut deeply and quickly so he was able to cut both wrists. He also knew that once he'd done it there would be no way to back out as he wouldn't be able to call for help. Now he couldn't think why he hadn't gone this route before. He was so stupid. 

He holds the blade vertical to his wrist and digs deeply. Blood spurts out and he hisses from the pain. He quickly swaps the knife to his other hand but its already so weak he can't grip it properly. He must've hit muscle or something but he tries and manages to get a moderatly deep cut on the oppsosite wrist. Deep enough to serve its purpose. He lets the blade fall from his hand into the water with a soft plop and lays back into the calming warmth of the red tinged water. 

It doesn't take long for him to start feeling sick. Dizziness follows swiftly behind then his vision blurs. Its everything he expected it to be and it feels good. Every drop of blood that falls from his wrist is another drop of pain leaving his body and soon he would be free. 

He quickly begins to loser his train of thought as his body goes into shock from blood loss that he doesn't hear the footsteps on the stairs or the door being opened. He hears the scream that follows though and he uses the last of his strength to turn his head to the side to see Jan standing there covering her mouth with her hands in horror. 

Fuck. He should've waited. Should've waited until she was defintely gone. He was so stupid. He'd fucked it all up again. 

His vision goes black but for a few minutes he can still hear and feel as he's manhandled out of the bath tub and something soft is pressed tightly to each wrist. 

“Oh you poor love” is the last thing he hears before he passes out.

~~

“Yes I would like to section him under the mental health act but the problem is there simply aren't the beds available. I understand your frustrations believe me I share them but the simple fact is the NHS is under staffed and underfunded” He can hear Dylan ranting when he wakes up. 

“I don't care how under funded we are. That poor boy has been suffering long enough and who is there to help him? The ambulance service can only provide so much help” Jan yells angrily back at him. 

“I've made every call I can but unless you want me to leave him in a hospital corridor for however long it takes to help him through this there simply isn't the bed available in a secure unit” So they were trying to lock him up now. Great. 

“Oh Ian love you're awake!” and suddenly he was no longer invisible. 

Dylan was leaning over him examining his bandaged arms “You've had a lucky escape Ian.” It wasn't an escape though. The bandages felt like chains binding him to this earth. He wanted to scream and throw things and rip the stitches from his flesh but he no longer had the energy to put up that fight. He was an empty shell. 

“Ian love what happened? Why didn't you talk to me. Instead you've used your body as a carving board. I've seen the cuts sweetheart. How long has this been going on?” Why would he talk to her? She wouldn't understand. HE didn't even understand what was going on in his head most of the time. Did she think he wanted to be like this? He hated this. All of it. 

“Ian you had to have a blood transfusion and over thirty stitches to repair the muscle damage. We've yet to determine if there is any long lasting damage.” Ever clinical Dylan listed off all the ways he'd fucked this all up again.

“Quiet Keogh. Do you think he needs a lecture right now? He needs help not scare tactics” 

“And as i've told you already. If I could get him help I would. I've called every mental health ward in the district and called in favours from outside it but there simply aren't any beds available. I know how bad it is I've been in a similar situation and I couldn't get that kind of help at the time either. It's a disgrace but until the government decides to fund more beds that's just how it is.” 

“I've got a right mind to go up to that downing street myself and give that May woman a good talking to.” He could just picture that. Jan in her uniform storming the downing street gates with an ambulance and having the entire british government cowering in fear. He actually found himself smiling at that much to his own shock. 

“Look I can go get the forms filled out for him to receive NHS therapy but right now that is the best I can do.” Dylan raised his hands in defeat and left the side room. 

Jan pulled the chair closer to bed and took hold of his hand. “What are you doing Ian? What good is this going to achieve? You've refused to talk to anyone since Base died and I know thats partially my fault with how I treated you about Ross but I'm sorry. You can't keep doing this to yourself.” He knew that. That was kind of the whole point. He didn't want to keep doing this to himself but he kept fucking it all up. 

“I knew something was wrong when you said Goodbye to me earlier. I haven't heard you speak in months. Not once. Even when you burned your hand on the coffee machine the other week you didn't even let out a yelp. If I'd've done that I would've turned the air blue. I started to wonder if there wasn't some kind of brain damage from your incident a few months back. Why won't you talk?” 

He sighed and pulled his hand away from hers. “Ian just talk to me”

“Fine” he snapped “You want me to talk? Fine. I spend every second wish this was over. Wishing that I had succeeded that night. I can't close my eyes without seeing the blank eyes of every single persons whose death is my fault. Mia, Sam, Base all of them. I caused all of that. Why do I get to keep living when they don't? I tried to keep going. I really did but without...without..B...him there I couldn't sleep I couldn't function. I didn't see the point any more. I don't want to be here any more. You know I fucking tried again the night I came home? But I was to weak to do it properly. To stupid.” and there he goes again being stupid. He knew he shouldn't talk he knew it would all come blurting out. 

“Oh Ian” there is is again. The pity. “I knew something was going up. I noticed you were taking medical supplies from the store room but I didn't think it was this. I didn't think you'd be harming yourself.” 

“I didn't want to be doing that either. I... I was trying to do this” he raised his bandaged arms “but I couldn't keep going with all of this without something to take the edge off. It was this or drink and this seemed like the better option.” Jan stared at him blankly “I did this when I got home that night. I was in the bath ready but Gem rang and was already on her way round. I couldn't let her find me like that. I couldn't do that to her. After I just never found the right moment because something was always expected of me but last night I just couldn't take it any more.” He realised when he finished that his cheeks were wet. When had that happened? 

“Ian love... I don't want you take this the wrong way but may I ask... what was Base to you? I know you were close but I never thought... were you and he...?” shit. 

“He was my friend. Nothing more.” he insisted.

“I know when you're lying to me Ian Dean” he'd been lying to himself a lot longer. 

“I loved him. If that's what you want to know. I loved him to the point it was physically painful to be around him but even more so to be apart. Losing him... seeing him like that... I don't know what to do now...I can't keep doing this. I need help Jan. Please help me.” he ended up sobbing and Jan pulled him against her and wrapped him up in a warm hug. He needed to get better but he didn't know how. 

“I'll call Ben Harding for you and set up some more appointments. If you go and actually promise to talk with him I will see about you coming back to work part time in a month. IF and only IF Dr Harding thinks you are ready. Do you understand me?” He nodded into her uniform and clung on like it was a life line. “Good lad”


	3. Grief is a strange thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a year since Mia died and Ian is finally starting to feel better but the grief of losing Base affects him in the strangest of ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so NEXT CHAPTER IS WHEN THE FIX IT STARTS!! Sorry Ian's got to suffer a little bit more for that to happen. 
> 
> Credit still fully goes to Basenewman on tumblr for their constant source of inspiration

He can't pin point what caused him to see Base there for the first time. He wasn't even sure how long he'd been there before he noticed something was amiss. He'd grown so used to Bases constant calming presence over the course of their friendship that even now it didn't seem unusual for him to be there. 

It had been several months since Base died and he'd slowly been piecing his life back together. Or at least he thought he had. Now he was starting to think he'd cracked up for real. Why else would he be hallucinating his dead crush around his home. At first this spectral version of Base would just stand there or sit like he was watching telly but then he started reacting to Ian like he knew what was happening. If he believed in the supernatural in any form he'd think this was a ghost. 

He knew he should've brought it up with Dr Harding at one of his therapy sessions but he'd just been allowed back to work after an even longer wait period then Jan had said. After three full months of therapy he was now allowed to work part time as a paramedic once more. Only under the close supervision of Jan that is. Even Ruby wasn't allowed to be his partner any more. He was scared that if he told anyone about it that he would be forced into stopping work again and he NEEDED to be busy to keep his mind off things. 

He'd even managed to reduce the amount of self harm he inflicted upon himself. Sure he hadn't stopped completely but it was progress. Some days were just harder than others and it was better than any of the alternatives. The painful release of each cut never stopped feeling good.

Base being there even when he knew he wasn't real was just as calming as it was when he was alive. He'd sit and listen to Ian rant about his day like he always used to and would make snarky comments about little things. The only downside on that front for Ian was that he now had two people nagging him to tidy up and eat healthier and one of them was a figment of his own imagination! At least with Jan he could tell her to go away if he really needed to. Base was a constant part of his life now when he was at home. 

With this Base he got the comfort he so desperately needed. Base would hold him whilst he slept or cried or yelled in frustration. He'd even try and talk him out of fishing the blade out again. Sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't. 

Things go to far one day when Base appears in the locker room whilst he's changing. He pleaded with him to go away and it wasn't safe for him to be out where people might find out but he stays constant and quiet in the corner. Ruby walks in mid plead and looks at him confused. He doesn't want to answer any questions right now and as if saved by the bell... or radio... a call comes in for an RTC. 

He doesn't recognise the address until he gets there and has already treated the walking wounded. Thankfully no one needs a trip to the hospital. It's just up from where Mia jumped. He freezes in place when he sees the bridge. It still has the graffiti on it that Base did in her memory. That's when he realises what day it is. It's been exactly a year. A year since he killed Mia and Sam and since Base came crashing into his life. 

He doesn't realise he's walking towards the bridge and away from the ambulance till Jan is calling his name. He doesn't stop, just keeps walking till hes at the top of the stairs and standing just over where Mia fell from. 

It's so high up. Much higher than he thought it would seem. The rush of air as each car passes by underneath hits him and gently pushes him backwards. A year. A whole year since he'd been here. When he looks over the edge he can still see the marks on the road where he slammed on the breaks and the ambulance flipped and scraped across the ground. 

He can still hear Mia and Base pleading with him for help when he walked out of their flat that night. He wish he could go back and stop himself from leaving. So many people died because of that one stupid decision. What harm would it've done if he stayed a little longer? Another crew could've gone to Alicia it didn't need to be them. If he'd stayed with Mia maybe he could've talked her out of suicide and got her help. Then she'd never have gone to the bridge so he wouldn't've crashed the ambulance and Sam wouldn't have died either and on top of that Base would still be alive because he'd've never have become his friend so he couldn't destroy his life. 

“Ian love. Come down from there” he's snapped out of his thoughts by Jan's voice from a short distance to his side. She sounds almost frightened. He looks over and she's standing a few feet away with her arms out towards him. He realises that the sound of cars rushing beneath him as stopped and he can hear a radio that doesn't belong to him or Jan on his other side. He looks and there are police on his other side and the roads been blocked below. It's then he realises he's no longer standing on the bridge but sitting on the edge. He doesn't remember getting up there at all or how long he's been sat there. Judging from where the sun is in the sky its been quite a while. 

“I don't know how I got here” he says “Jan how did I get here?” he's frightened now. How did he miss climbing over a barrier onto the edge of a bridge? How did he miss the police arriving and blocking the traffic traffic? “What's happening to me?” 

“I don't know love” Jan says calmly “Why don't you just slowly get down from there and we can find out alright? Ever so slowly now” he does as she says and Jan is immediately at his side wrapping him up in a warm blanket and a hug. “What am I going to do with you sweet heart ey?” 

“I didn't... I wasn't going to jump” he wasn't. Even if he was going to try again he wouldn't do it like that. He couldn't imagine ever going out like that. “I don't know how I got there.... Jan...I...” he's shaking violently from the cold and the sobs that wrack his body. 

“It's okay sweetheart. Let's get you into the back of the nice warm ambulance and we can see about getting you some more help. Don't you worry I'm going to sort everything” He lets her lead him without question. 

He's sitting on the bed in the back of the ambulance as Jan shuts the doors and he could swear he saw Base standing on the bridge looking down at him again. He had truly gone insane.


	4. Time reveals every secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess whose back........back again.........Base is back.....tell a friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the first fix it chapter! spawned from the mind of myself and the lovely Basenewman on tumblr!

He'd gone straight to hospital with Jan that night. She hadn't mentioned to anyone what had happened by the general public being what they were had filmed the incident. It had gone viral on the internet and eventually made it into the news once they found out his identity. Some papers ran articles with titles about his involvement in Mia's death and his arrest after Base died. Higher ups in the ambulance service had got involved and forced him into compassionate leave immediately. Jan had tried to fight that for his sake. She knew he needed to work to keep going. He'd gone up there himself and pleaded with them that it wasn't a suicide attempt and he genuinely did have no clue how he got up there that day. It had just been instinct. Acting on a horrific memory that would haunt him for the rest of his life. They didn't believe him though. 

He now had therapy sessions five days a week with Dr Harding which seemed like they would be continuing on for eternity. Harding kept telling him that he could only be signed off when he made progress and pretending to be better just to get back to work wasn't going to cut it. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to get better to work but nothing he tried seemed to stick in his brain. Every time he tried to find happiness in his life again something would remind him of what he'd done and he'd be right back at square one where the only thing to soothe the pain would be a blade to his flesh. Jan knew. Dr Harding knew. He didn't even bother hiding it any more. What was the point? It was an addiction. 

Most days now he didn't bother even going in to the ambulance bay because he couldn't face seeing what he'd lost. Hearing the radios go off calling them to a scene and he wasn't able to go was just another cut to his psyche and he hated it. Jan would come round after every shift still and still fuss over the state of his house. Now she always brought with her food and refused to leave till she'd seen him eat what ever she cooked. She says she may not be able to help him heal mentally but she'd be damned before she let him starve himself to death. He liked her cooking though he wouldn't admit that to her face but some times when he'd had a particularly bad day he couldn't keep his stomach contents in and he'd find himself praying to the porcelain gods and spending the rest of the night more miserable than he already was. 

Today though. Today he didn't know if he'd ever felt lower. He had the date burned into his memory for the rest of his life. The date his whole world had turned upside down. The date Base died. He couldn't believe it had been a whole year since he'd lost him. He can still remember every detail of that night right down to the sound the kitchen door made as he opened it to get to Base. He could remember every single chest compression and every single rescue breath. He remembered falling backwards feeling utterly lost when he realised Base was truly gone. He remembers Ross stumbling out behind him and the intense anger he felt. He remembers shouting till his throat was red roar and he remembered his fist hitting Ross and the sound of him hitting the floor. Every little thing. Every single bit of it would never leave him. 

He woke up and immediately replayed all the things he could've done differently. He should've got hold of some narcan and put it in Base's flat. How could he be so stupid as to not think of that? If he had that even if he carried it on his person just for Base's sake then he could've counteracted the drugs and saved him. He could've helped him get clean again. He was stupid, stupid, stupid. 

Normally on days he did cut he could at least make it till the end of the day before he gave in to his urges. Today though he hadn't even made it to breakfast. He'd slept on the sofa again. It had become a regular occurrence because Bases coat still lived on his bed and sometimes it was unbearable to even look at it let alone pick it up and move it some place else. 

And that was where he still found himself. Sitting on the bathroom floor in just his boxers with his knife a foot or so in front of him and a pot of pills to his left desperately trying to talk himself out of another failure. Every day he still thought about it but he'd come to realise now that this isn't what Base would've wanted. Base wouldn't want him throwing his life away for his sake. It was a head versus heart situation. His head was telling him not to be so stupid that this isn't what Base would've wanted. His heart on the other hand was crippled by sadness and told him that he had not future. What was the point in a life where every day was a struggle not to try and top himself again? It was cruel. If he were a dog suffering like this people would have no problem with putting him down so why couldn't he take the decision into his own hands? 

He needed this and this time he wasn't going to fuck it up. He'd tried more than one method by now so why not combine the two? It was his choice. Over the last year he'd been called selfish more times than he couldn't count. Gem wouldn't even talk to him any more. He saw Rash more than he did her now. He'd pop round every other week or so and apologise for Gem and promise he'd talk her round but it never worked. Gem was lost to him. Another person whose life he'd fucked up. 

It was for the best. 

He picked up the bottle of pills and the glass of water beside them. He'd done research this time. He'd worked out the perfect amount of pills needed for his height and weight. He hadn't thought to calculate that before but now he realised it was no different than when they gave pain killers on a shout. That and blood loss would make it quick and relatively pain free and soon it would all be over. He necked the pills with a gulp feeling the sharp scratch of the pills in his throat. Next he reached for the blade and dug it into the scars that were still bright red on his wrists. This time he'd figured that if he jammed the blade between the sink and the wall he could cut the other wrist with greater effect to hurry the blood loss. He just needed this to be over. He didn't care if it was selfish. 

He watched the blood pool out of his arms and follow the grout lines of the floor tiles till they over flowed and the blood began to flood the floor. It was only a few minutes before he grew unbearably sleepy this time. He could feel the blissful endless silence calling him. 

He was free. 

~~

_beep....beep....beep...._

well fuck. 

He really was a failure.

“Ian Dean how many times are we going to go through this before you actually listen to me when I tell you to call me if you need help” shit. He was in for it. 

“Don't you think we didn't notice you stealing those pills? Don't you think I didn't have Ruby replace them with sugar pills? You stupid boy. Stupid. I can't believe you would do this. Don't you want to get better? All the fighting you did to get back to work and you've thrown it away like it was nothing. Stupid boy.” Yes that's exactly what he needed right now. Reminding that he was a complete failure. 

“Jan”

“No. Don't you Jan me Ian. I've had it up to here with this now. I know you can't help feeling the way you do but you can help when you accept help. It's been offered to you on a platter for a full year now and still you ignore it. Why do I even bother” great so even Jan had given up on him. 

“I know. I know it's been a year. A year to the day” he said looking at the fresh bandages on his arms already stained with blood. “A whole fucking year” he had cried so much over the last year they he physically couldn't any more. All the tears had long since dried up. 

“A year since what Ian?” See, it was so insignificant to everyone else that they didn't even remember. 

“A year since he died. Since Base left. A year since I failed him”

“oh Ian love” that stopped her anger and replaced it with pity “He wouldn't want you doing this. He was such a sweet boy. He cared about you deeply. How do you think he'd react to seeing you like this?”

“that's the point though! I don't know how he'd react because he's not here! He should be here! If your bastard of a son hadn't put a needle in his arm he would still be here! None of this would be happening if it wasn't for Ross and his poison” 

Jan's eyes turn cold “Well then. I'm sorry I can't bring him back for you but that's just the way it is. I'm going to get your discharge papers and you are coming to the bay with me. You aren't being let out of my sight until I believe you are safe to be left alone. No ifs and or buts do you hear me? I'm not afraid to use force. Or worse, get Ruby”

God he hated how scary Jan could be when she put her mind to something. He was truly trapped now. 

“I want you dressed and ready to go in five minutes. You will sit in my office and sleep or drink tea. Nothing more do you hear me? I don't even want you visiting the loo without my say so, got it?” he nodded and she left the room. 

Fuck. 

~~

He'd been in the Ambulance bay all day. Sitting on his own in Jan's office. She'd come in once or twice to check on him but he'd not spoken a word to her since they left the hospital. He spent most of the day staring at the swirling patterns in his now cold tea. The film on top of the liquid currently vaguely resembled a panda. He was lost in his imagination of watching the panda dance across the tea that at first he didn't hear the commotion outside. He couldn't hear exactly who was shouting or what was being said but what ever it was it was getting pretty heated. 

Curiosity got the better of him and he stood up mug in hand and followed the shouting voices. 

“HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? DO YOU REALISE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?” So Jan was arguing with somebody. That much was obvious. He felt for whoever had earned her wrath this time. At least it wasn't him again. “DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S BEEN THROUGH? A WHOLE YEAR! A YEAR AND NOT A WORD?” He couldn't think of a time he'd ever heard any one this angry. 

“I didn't know! I swear I didn't know! If I'd heard sooner I'd've come back! I thought it was for his own safety! Ross...he...he said he'd kill him... I had to go...” that voice....He knew that voice...it couldn't be...

He slowly took a few steps forward so his view wasn't obstructed by an ambulance. What he saw made him freeze on the spot. The mug he'd been holding fell to the floor and shattered into dust. How could this be? It wasn't possible! He was hallucinating again...he had to be....but Jan was talking to him...was this all a dream? Standing there in a student paramedics uniform was Base...

“Ian!” Base said turning to him “oh my god Ian I'm so sorry” he turned to move towards him but Jan grabbed him tightly 

“Don't you fucking dare go anywhere near him after what you've put him through”

“I need to explain! He has to understand I never meant for this to happen”

What to happen? He died! He saw him dead! He tried to save him and failed! He'd gone to his funeral! That wasn't all a hallucination was it?

“You died” he said his voice flat and emotionless “I saw you die. I did CPR on you. I called your time of death. I went to your funeral...” 

“Ian love” Jan said stepping between him and his view of Base. “Go back inside”

“I saw him die Jan” his heart feels like its going to beat out of his chest. None of this makes sense. It can't be real. None of this can be real. He's cracked up completely now. Sure he's seen Base as a hallucination before but he'd never looked so real and he's always been in the same clothes. The clothes he'd died in. “I saw him. Didn't I see him? He died...he died...” 

“It wasn't me Ian! I have a twin brother! He was one of Ross's crew! Ross brought him round to try and scare me and he killed him! He said if I ever told any one he'd hurt you! I had to leave! I couldn't even leave you a message I couldn't risk you like that! If I'd known this was going to happen I'd've found another way. I swear I never meant to hurt you like this. I thought because we weren't talking you wouldn't even notice I'd gone. I didn't think you'd come round that night! I thought Ross would hide my brothers body and people wouldn't notice I was missing! I went to Cardiff and tried to start a new life but I couldn't stop thinking about you. How you changed my life. I've become a student paramedic because of you Ian. I'm sorry. I can't even begin to say how sorry I am for all the pain I've caused you.” 

A twin? He never mentioned a twin. This couldn't be real. This wasn't the movies. People don't just turn up alive after the death of their secret twin. No he was insane. 

“this isn't real” he said, his voice almost a whisper “you died”

“Ian love. It's real. Go back into my office and we can call the police and Dr Harding and get this all sorted out.” 

Base was alive... Base was alive and standing right in front of him....How could Base be alive? He couldn't think. His heart was racing and his head felt like it was going to explode. 

“I … I need to go … I can't do this” He took off running out the ambulance bay. He didn't chose a direction he just carried on running into the darkness till his legs gave out beneath him. He lay on the cold wet floor in the fetal position and cried.


	5. when love is found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can they find Ian in time to sort this mess out? or will they be to late?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So originally i was planning on having Dixie turn up to help find Ian but the story took a different turn.
> 
> comments and kudos and sharing always appreciated.

(Jan POV)

It had been three days since Base had shown up in the ambulance bay and three days since anyone had last seen Ian. 

They'd all been out looking for him. Even Dylan had gone out with Dervla for hours at a time trying to find him but to no avail. She had called the police and registered him a missing and vulnerable persons which had prompted immediate action from them. Search parties had been formed and leads tracked down but there was no sign of him. 

She was usually a no news is good news kind of person but with the state she'd found Ian in the night before no news meant she feared he'd found some abandoned corner to die in and no one would ever find him. 

Mr Newman had been taken to the police station to be interviewed for possible charges for faking his own death but had been released without charge. Since then the boy had been searching frantically for Ian. He'd not even changed out of the uniform he'd turned up in let alone eaten or slept. 

She was at a loss as to what to do. She couldn't bare to see that poor boy dead in a ditch somewhere. When she'd first met him he was so happy and full of life. Now he was a shell and the reason for that shell had just walked back into his life like it was nothing. 

She was furious. At first she couldn't stand being in the same room as Base once he'd been released but now she saw how worried the boy was. She could see the guilt on his face every time anyone said Ian's name. He'd wince like he'd been slapped across the face. She knew how guilty he felt for his part in all this and how he'd give anything to go back and change the past but that also didn't stop her from being furious with him. It was she who had needed to pick up the pieces after every suicide attempt. It was her who had to watch a grown man become incapable of caring for himself because of grief and trauma. If he had just spoken to Ian or the police or anyone instead of just swanning off to Cardiff then none of this would've happened. 

_“3006 to control”_ the radio crackled 

 

“3006 responding” 

_“Reports of a disorientated Male wondering around under the flyover and bleeding”_

“On our way” she said hailing Ruby and jumping into the van. Any call where an ID wasn't given set her on edge now. What if it was Ian? They'd had to respond to dead bodies found by the riverside and hangings in abandoned buildings and every single time she instantly thought “oh god it's him” thankfully so far it never was but that also meant he hadn't been found. 

~~

They pulled up at the fly over and immediately saw the patient and thanks to all that is mighty it was Ian. He was pacing back and forth talking to himself and he must've ripped his stitches again but it was Ian and he was alive. 

“Ian love” she said as he approached “Do you know where you are?” he looked up at her startled like a deer in headlights. “Do you know who I am?” she tried instead when he didn't respond. 

“Jan” his voice was hoarse. 

“Good. Do you know who this is?” she pointed to Ruby 

“Ruby?” 

“Yes love. Do you know how you got here?” his face was caked in dirt. He must've been sleeping rough if he'd been sleeping at all. The only clean parts of his face were where tears had streaked through it. 

“Had a horrible dream. Ran” 

“What dream love?” he was pale. Far paler than was usual mixed in with his disorientation he must be severely dehydrated. 

“Base came back. He was alive”

“That wasn't a dream love. Base is alive and he's out looking for you with Dylan, Lofty and Lofty's husband right now” 

“I saw him die.” Ian said shaking his head and started pacing again “I saw him die” 

“It wasn't him love. The police have confirmed it now. Base is alive and well and worried about you. He wants you to come home so he can explain. Come with me love lets get you all warmed up and perhaps we can stop off for a nice hot drink on the way back?” It was winter still and whilst snow wasn't on the ground it had gotten to well below freezing every night. She wanted him inside and with a blanket or two around him as soon as possible. 

Ian nodded and walked towards her. Ruby instantly produced a blanket and wrapped it round his shoulders before getting in the drivers seat. 

“You keep walking with me love and everything will be alright” she guided the younger man round the back of the ambulance and helped him slowly up the ramp. “That's it now you have a sit there whilst I run a few checks on you alright sweet?” he nodded and let her apply the monitor to his finger and take his temperature. It was low but not dangerously so and his sats were fairly normal. Other than the pulled stitches and the cuts on his bare feet he was in relatively okay state. All things considered they weren't off to a bad start. If only fixing his mental state was that simple. 

~~

Ruby radioed ahead that they had found Ian. She being the quick thinker that she was had said that going into the hospital wasn't perhaps the best place for Ian right now so instead Dylan would meet them at the ambulance bay with Base, Lofty and Dom and unless further medical aid was needed everything would be sorted there. Crowds of people he knows or just anyone who might stare at him was something Ian hated at the best of times and in such a fragile state would be all to much. 

“Now then Ian. Let's get you to my office where we can dig you out some nice clean and warm clothes to wear and Dylan can check you over. Does that sound alright?” Ian nodded and followed her. 

When they went into her office she was surprised to see somehow one of them had managed to get a hospital bed into it a long with a wide variety of equipment. She raised an eyebrow at the trio who were already waiting for them. The youngest one, Dom she'd learned his name was, just shrugged and said 'Sacha let me borrow it” whilst his curly haired husband gazed adoringly at him. 

“Right okay. Ian can you get on the bed for me?” Dylan said in his usual gruff manner, rolling his eyes at the other two.

Ian climbed up without question but his eyes kept darting around the room looking for someone. “Where is he?” he asked meekly. 

“Where's who? Oh you mean Mr Newman well we thought it best he wait in the locker room till you gave the okay to see him. I can get him or send him away it's up to you” Dylan said as he examined Ian's arms. 

“I need to see him. I need to know he's real” 

“Oh he most definitely is real. I don't think anyone imaginary could be quite as stressed as he's been these past few days. You gave everyone here quite the scare. Lofty would you go and get Mr Newman for us” She watched as the mop-topped man left and returned moments later with Base in tow. 

Ian froze immediately again and tears welled in his eyes. “You are real” 

“I promised you I was” Base said still standing in the door way. 

“You left” 

“I know I did and I will never be able to apologise enough for leaving. As soon as I heard what happened to you I came back. If I'd known it was you sooner I would never have stayed away so long. I didn't know you thought I was dead. I didn't think you would even notice” 

She watched as Ian's eyes flashed with rage “Wouldn't NOTICE? How could I not notice you vanishing? Did you really think so little of our friendship? You changed my life Base! I ...lo... how could you?” That was the most emotion she'd seen out of him in a long time. She didn't miss his slip up either and from the look of hurt in Base's eyes neither did he. 

“Your friendship changed my life Ian Dean. Without you I would've died for real of a drug overdose months ago. I got clean because of you giving me the strength to do so. I left because I didn't want you to get hurt because of me. Ross threatened to hurt you and I couldn't let that happen. I loved you. Can't you see that? I loved you more that I ever thought it was physically possible to and leaving hurt like hell but I thought after that night at the pub that you didn't want me around any more. That I had outstayed my welcome. So I left you alone. Then Ross shows up at my flat and he wants to use my flat as a new drugs den. I refused so he returned with my brother and his cronies in tow. He said he had a new drug mix he wanted to sell and that I had to help him. I refused and that pissed him off. The thing's he said he'd do to you Ian. I couldn't risk that so I left. I didn't know he'd give the drug to my brother. I didn't know he'd died or that you had found him and I promise I didn't know you all thought it was me.” Base was crying to now and was practically on his knees at Ian's bedside pleading for forgiveness. 

“I could never think you outstayed our welcome. I was frightened and I pushed you away. I didn't know what I was feeling for you. I'd never thought about a man like that before... I've never...I was scared if you found out you'd leave so I pushed you away first.” All this over a misunderstanding. Jan felt her heart break for the pair of them.

So much pain and suffering. Ian could've died needlessly so many times. When she next got the chance to visit her scrotum of a son in jail next she was going to ring his bloody neck. He may not have directly killed the other twin but he'd allowed it to happen and not told a soul. The police were questioning him and looking at further charges on top of his current sentence for perverting the course of justice in relation to the twins death. 

“Right then” Dylan said putting the needle down. In the time they'd been talking he'd managed to re do Ian's stitches whilst he was distracted and Dom had hooked him up to a drip to get some fluids in him. Lofty had managed to collect some warm jogging bottoms, shirt and jumper for Ian to wear as well as some hospital issue socks and slippers which were better than nothing. “I've taken some blood samples” even she hadn't seen him do that “I want you to get at least two bags of fluid in you before you stand up again. If I have to come back down here to give you more stitches I wont be pleased. Lofty here is going to clean the wounds on your feet and dress them then you can get changed. Given recent circumstances I recommend not letting him be alone until he's been seen by Dr Harding.” His last comment was directed at the rest of the room with a hard stare. “Call me if you need me again” he said as he called Dervla to his side and left. 

~~

It had taken almost three hours of cleaning and patching and drip changing before Dom and Lofty declared Ian free to go. She had initially insisted Ian come stay with her tonight but he had refused and they eventually settled on him going home with Base. She'd pulled Base aside for a few moments to remind him firmly that if any harm came to Ian when he was with him that he really would be dead next time she saw him. From the look of fear in his eyes she was sure she'd gotten the message across. 

She'd gone out to bring her car round to take them home and when she got back Ian was sitting in a chair and Base was knelt on the floor in front of him foreheads pressed together and hands clasped tightly like if they let go the other would vanish again. 

It would take time. She knew that much. Time and a lot of therapy and healing but she had a feeling that slowly but surely things were going to turn out alright.


	6. talking about your feelings isn't always bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian is out of hospital and recovering. He and Base need some time to process and talk about what went down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! it's going to get happier from here on out! 
> 
> comments kudos and shares much appreciated (link it on tumblr if you like! I keep forgetting)

It had been two weeks. Two weeks since Base had come back and he couldn't believe it. He knew it wasn't fantasy any more, that Base was alive and here and safe. It was just he couldn't believe that he could be so lucky. Things like that didn't happen to people like him. People like him didn't get the love of their life back after they're gone. 

After Dom and Lofty had let him go because he'd gotten so dehydrated over the three days it took him a while to get his strength back and managed to catch the flu along the way. Base had stayed by his side the whole way fetching him things to ease his temperature or sore throat. He'd change his dressings every day or more if they opened up again. He was an ever present source of comfort. His house felt like there was life in it again. All the colours seemed to be seeping back into his world. 

They were now sat on the sofa together at either ends watching some inane show on TV. Base was wearing some of his clothes that even though he liked his clothes oversized were still far to small on Base's tall frame. The long sleeves came mid arm and the trousers legs barely brushed his ankles. Base didn't seem to care either way. Personally Ian thought Base would look good no matter what he wore. 

“We should talk” Base said suddenly as he put the TV on mute. He knew this moment was coming but the longer they went on the more he didn't want to have it. He still couldn't bring himself to talk much though it had gotten better with Base around. He'd even managed to laugh a few times at Bases appalling idea of what a joke is. 

“I know” he agreed pulling his legs up on to the sofa so his knees were against his chest. 

“Do you want to ask anything? About what happened?” He had so many questions. There wasn't enough time left in the universe to answer all of them. 

“Why didn't you tell me what Ross threatened?” 

“Because I know what you are like. You would've gone after him and gotten hurt in the process. You have no sense of self preservation Ian Dean.” 

“So you left instead? Didn't even try and contact anyone? You must've seen in the papers about Ross's court case? I got arrested for fucks sake” How could Base not have seen anything? In all that time he'd not heard a single thing? He'd become a student paramedic and he knew just how much paramedics liked to gossip. 

“I left Holby that same night. I went straight to Cardiff and slept in alleyways till I found some place to stay. I signed up to be a paramedic a week later. After that life was so full on and busy what with the twelve hour shifts plus studying afterwards I didn't have time to sleep or eat most days let alone catch the news. I heard through the grapevine about a paramedic back here who tried to kill themselves but I didn't for a second think it was you. Then more rumours came through and eventually your name got mentioned and I came home straight away. I came to find you. I didn't know you'd been arrested. I'm sorry Ian” 

“I thought I was going crazy because of you. I kept seeing you everywhere...I tried to kill myself because of it... and all you can say is you're sorry?” Did Base really think sorry would cut it? Sure it wasn't Base's death that caused his depression or suicidal thoughts but it had certainly been the trigger. He hadn't been able to trust his own mind for a whole year and now he wasn't sure if he could ever fully trust himself again. His whole body was littered with scars as proof of this. 

“nothing I ever say will be able to make up for any of this Ian. For all this lost time. For all the pain and the hurt. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to make it up to you. I owe my life to you Ian. I wasn't joking when I said I love you” It hurt him in his very heart to hear Base say those words now. 

“I love you to Base but I don't know if I can trust you any more. You left. You didn't trust me enough to help you out with Ross. You didn't trust me to come with you at least. I would've you know. If you told me and asked me to go with you I would've dropped everything and left.” 

“I couldn't do that to you Ian” 

“So instead you left me to be alone? You knew I wasn't in a good place. What did you think was going to happen without you there? You saved me. I got my arse kicked on purpose because I wasn't brave enough to cut myself yet and you saved me and looked after me. You picked up after me and made me leave the house when if I had the choice I never would've. You gave me something to look forward to then it ended like it was nothing to you. Like I was nothing to you. I was terrified Base. I'd just lost one of my friends and was in the middle of a sexuality crisis in my late fucking thirties my whole god damn life had been turned upside down and you fucking left.” He was crying hard now and if he wasn't sure Dylan would come round and kill him if he ripped his stitches out again he would've probably lashed out at Base in anger and frustration. If not at him then it would've been at himself. 

“I DIDN'T KNOW! Ian I swear I didn't know it was like that. I knew you were struggling but I didn't think it was about any of this. I thought it was grief which I understood and then you told me about your PTSD and I thought it was about that. I even did research on it to try and help you. I didn't know about the sexuality thing or anything like that. I thought you knew you could talk to me and would when you were ready. You knew I was bisexual and that I wouldn't judge you” 

“BUT I DIDN'T KNOW! YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING!” When had he said anything about that? He had been with Mia for ages and was with some girl called Ashley or something before that and had never mentioned being in to blokes in any way shape or form. He'd even tried testing the waters a little when watching a film and mentioning Chris Evans looks and Base hadn't reacted at all. 

“Mate I definitely have! I told you about Ashley!” 

“Your girlfriend?” he asked confused. What did she have to do with his being bisexual?

“Girlfriend? Mate Ashley was most definitely not a girl. He definitely had a penis. Trust me I saw it enough times.” …......how.....had......he........not.......realised.....? “Like I'm sure I mentioned Ash being taller than me more than once. What girls are taller than me? I'm not a real life hobbit like you.” He picked up the nearest pillow and chucked it at Bases head making him laugh loudly. 

“I'm not that short!” he argued

“You are 5'8 in thick healed shoes and even that is being generous. You only just reach my shoulders” Base was laughing heartily now. Head thrown back as he hit him repeatedly with the pillow he'd just thrown. That soft laugh that used to make his heart flutter. Now it tied his stomach in knots. It wasn't a bad feeling but it confused him. He still loved Base but trusting him again would take time and patience. It was like getting to know him all over again. 

“Nothing wrong with my height! It's you that's weird! You look like you got stretched out like Mike Teevee!” 

“Did you just reference willy wonka at me?” Base was laughing even harder now and he could feel the laughter bubbling up in his own stomach. He couldn't stop himself from letting it out. They laughed till they were gasping for breath and his tears had changed from sadness to happiness. Something he hadn't experienced since god only knows when. 

“But really Ian why didn't you talk to me? Even without knowing I was bi did you really think I wouldn't listen to you? Help you?” 

he sighed “It wasn't about not trusting you. It was about the reason I figured I'm what ever I am was because I fell in love with your stupid over grown ginger self.” It felt weird saying this stuff out loud. He couldn't imagine saying it to anyone else but Base just had this way of getting him to talk about his feelings. He used to hate it but now it felt like a weight off his shoulders. 

“What do you mean 'what ever I am' You've dated girls in the past right? You mentioned them? Lilly and....what was her name? Rita?” 

“Because I thought that was what I was meant to do. I thought that's what love was, what attraction was. It wasn't until I met you that I had a really warped view of what those things were. I don't know...I mean I'm not certain...but I think I might be gay” phew... that was the first time he'd said that out loud. It felt good to say. He hadn't expected that. He honestly thought it would be something he'd never say out loud. Because who would he tell other than Base? He couldn't imagine being with anyone else and they'd not even been together. 

“You didn't know you were even the slightest bit attracted to men?” Base asked confused. He shook his head. 

“Nope. I didn't exactly grow up in an era or environment where being gay was acceptable so I just assumed how I felt was how everyone felt” he yawned loudly the pain meds were finally kicking in “I'm sleepy” he slid down further onto the sofa so his head was on the arm rest. 

Base stood up and fetched a blanket from over the back of the arm chair “Get some sleep. We can talk more when you're up to it.” He hoped they did. Finally he was starting to understand what all this 'talk about your feelings' nonsense was all about.


	7. A bright future ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Has Ian progressed enough to go back to work? Also how does Base really feel about Ian when confronted by a protective Jan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're almost at the end of this saga! things are looking brighter for Ian and Base! where will they go next? 
> 
> thanks again to the wonderful Basenewman on tumblr who gives me the most amazing headcanons! i'm already working on several other fics because of them. 
> 
> comments kudos and shares always appreciated!

It had been three months since Base came back. They were slowly getting back to some semblance of normality. Ian hadn't been allowed back to work just yet but Dr Harding thought it would be soon. He was having twice weekly therapy sessions now and his scars were almost completely healed. 

He still cut occasionally but was no longer afraid or ashamed to talk about or ask for help when he did. A few weeks back after a stressful day with therapy and then agreeing to going for a coffee with Dom and Lofty was a drain on him emotionally then they'd run in to Fletch and he'd had to explain everything over again. He'd ended up just up and leaving without a word and going home. 

When he'd gotten through the door he immediately sort out his old comfort and cut deeper than he'd intended. He'd panicked and tried to treat his own wounds but it was messy and he couldn't get the bandages to stick. He ended up having a panic attack and crying on the bathroom floor desperately trying to get the blood to stop. 

Since coming back from the dead and sorting out all the legal shit for coming back to life Jan managed to arrange a transfer for Base so he could finish his degree in Holby and only having to return to Cardiff for exams. He'd been working with Jan and Ruby as both insisted they keep an eye on Base neither willing to trust him completely yet. He understood that, they'd become very protective of him given everything but he knew now that Base had never truly intended to hurt him. They were still building up their trust for each other but they were getting there. 

Being a student paramedic also meant that Fletch, Dom and Lofty were able to hunt him down after he ran off. They'd been concerned about his sudden departure and Fletch had run after him trying to follow him but when he lost him he'd gone back and tried to find his address. It was Dylan who suggested he talk to Base after he'd asked Fletch what he was doing back in the ED. He'd gone to the ambulance bay and found him working with Ruby being taught how to restock the ambulance after a shout. Base had been just about ready to steal an ambulance to get home quicker but Fletch had let him use his car and come with him. 

Base burst through the door and charged up the stairs with Fletch in tow and found him crying in a puddle of blood on the floor. He'd kept apologising repeatedly and swearing it wasn't another suicide attempt. He'd been so scared they wouldn't believe him and Dr Harding would refuse to sign him off back to work. Base though had told him it was all going to be alright and helped him up off the floor whilst Fletch ran back to his car for his first aid kit. They'd patched him up and waited for him to calm down before they asked any questions. They'd given him the opportunity to explain and tell them what he'd been doing. Fletch had been angry with himself for not noticing Ian was distressed back at the cafe. 

Since then he'd promised to tell someone if he'd cut again so they could help him treat his wounds rather than have him panic and cause further harm to himself. Slowly the shame and fear of it had faded away and he'd gone from telling Base after he cut to telling him before he did it. Sometimes Base was even able to distract him away from it until the urge had faded. 

~~

Since that incident Base had started coming with him to some of this therapy sessions. It felt easier to talk when he was there. Dr Harding didn't seem to mind as long as he continued making progress. That's what they were doing now. Waiting outside his office for the appointment that could possibly mean he could start work again. He was a bag of nerves but it felt good. He'd been working hard on his recovery and he was excited to finally see it pay off. He didn't want to go back to work full time sure. He knew he wasn't ready for that by far but a few days a week or maybe half days at first just to get his foot back in the door and he'd be happy. 

“I think this is it Base” he said gently squeezing the younger man's hand. 

“hmm?” he asked looking up from the crappy waiting room magazine he was reading. 

“I think I'm going to get signed off for work today” 

“Is that what you want?” Base knew the answer clearly as he looked at him with a big grin on his face. “I'm sure I can convince Jan to give you a bit more time off. For precautions sake of course. Don't want you doing to much to fast.” he was teasing but he could see the genuine concern in his eyes as he did. 

He nudged him gently “shut up you” but then looked at him properly “I'm ready. I need this. It's important, for both of us.”

“I know you do” Base said looking at him fondly “And you are going to be brilliant” Sappy shit, he thought squeezing Base's hand again as the door opened and Dr Harding's head poked out. 

“Ian? You ready?” They both stood up and followed the man into the room.

~~

“YES! FUCKING YES!” he cheered happily 

“Ian Dean that is not the kind of language I like to hear in my ambulance bay” Jan said mock sternly as she walked out of her office after hearing the ruckus. “What's got you so happy any way?” 

He practically skipped across the bay floor till he was by Jan's side “Dr Harding says I can come back to work!” 

“Oh Ian love! Well done! I'm so proud of you.” Jan said wrapping him up in a tight warm hug “Well I suppose I better go redo the rota for next week then and you can go collect your uniforms and get them washed. I want you here bright and early tomorrow morning! Don't think I'm going to let you slack off. Not a crease out of place my lad! Not one!” her voice was stern but her eyes gleamed with motherly fondness. 

He jogged off to the locker room to collect his things. To think he'd left this here so long ago now with the intention of never needing to wear it again. He took each item out and folded it neatly into his bag. He was just about to leave the locker room when he heard his name said outside. 

“Ian's doing well I see” It was Jan talking to Base. 

“He is. I'm really proud of him. He's come so far” 

“Don't I know it. You didn't see what he was like lad. He wasn't himself any more he was almost childlike. He wasn't sleeping or eating properly. Not showering or washing his clothes.”

“Well I mean he was never very good at that stuff any way. I love him but he's kind of a slob” that cheeky git.

“No I suppose not” what was this? Slag off Ian time? Cheeky buggers the pair of them. “But he's come a long way you're right and he's going to go so much further. Remember this though Alasdair” oh he was in for it if she used Base's real name. He could still remember his reaction when Ian found out what it was the first time. The loud groan of irritation when he'd not been able to resist laughing. He'd thought Base was a stupid nickname at first but then he'd understood why he preferred it over Alasdair. “If you ever hurt Ian again, if you ever break his heart then there is not a place on this earth where I wont find you. You thought my son was scary? You've seen nothing yet. I love that boy like he was my own and if any harm comes to him you have me to answer to and a fair few more others back at that hospital I'd imagine to.” He felt the warm feeling of love in his heart at Jan's words. He hadn't appreciated how much she'd cared and done for him till recently and there wasn't enough that he could do to make it up to her for everything. She was his family now. 

“I love him too. More than I thought it possible to ever love someone. Knowing what I did to him... the pain I've caused him. I honestly don't think I could live with myself knowing I caused him further suffering” I love him with all my heart and I can't imagine life without him in it.” oh... the warm feeling in his heart now felt like fireworks. He knew Base loved him. They told each other that frequently but neither had acted on those feelings further than holding hands and laying together on the sofa. Ian hadn't felt ready and was still nervous of acting on it because what if he cocked it all up? Was kissing another man different than kissing a woman? He knew the basics of how gay sex worked but the finer details still alluded him. He knew that was the most awkward conversation he was ever going to have in his life. Hearing Base talk about him like that. Telling Jan proudly about how much he loved him felt incredible. 

This is what being in love felt like and it was wonderful.

He opened the door as loudly as possible and walked back over to the pair. He took Base's hand in his “Come on you. Let's go home” he smiled warmly up at the taller man “maybe we can get a coffee on the way home?” 

“Sounds good to me” he replied squeezing his hand tightly. 

The future looked really bright.


	8. Two nerdy boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Movie night in the dean/newman household!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pure filler fluff. Enjoy
> 
> comments kudos and shares appreciated!

“What do you mean you've never watched lord of the rings?” Base practically shrieked from beneath him. They were laying on the sofa after having a take out and were trying to decide what movie to watch. 

This was now their regular Saturday night (or Sunday morning depending on their shift patterns) ritual. “I've never seen Lord of the Rings? It's just never come up on my radar?”

“But its a classic! All three of them are! How could you never have seen them? Not even the original cut instead of the extended editions?” Base seemed mortally offended by this revelation and he was finding it highly amusing. One of the things he'd learned about Base since his return was he was possibly the nerdiest man he'd ever met. He read comic books and obsessed over the marvel movies and would rant about the quality of marvels content over 'that DC crap' whilst also sitting watching wonder woman on repeat because of his ridiculous crush on Chris Pine. That was a whole other conversation. Base would wax lyrical about that blokes 'magical blue eyes'....and he thought he was gay. 

“Base I'm not a nerd like you not everyone has seen these films” he teased poking him softly in the chest.

“Yes they have! You are officially the last human being left on this earth who hasn't seen lord of the rings and we are fixing it this instant. By the time the week is out you will have seen the extended editions of ALL middle earth films but first we need snacks!” Base all but jumped out of his seat darting off into the kitchen for what ever snacks he could dig up. 

“All of them? How many are there?” 

“Six! Three Lord of the rings films and three Hobbit films. If you add up the total hours for all the films its just under twenty four hours.” yelled from the kitchen.

If he was drinking right now it definitely would've just been spat across the room “twenty four hours? You want me to watch a whole days worth of film?”

“Yes and you're going to love it” was it to late to regret falling in love with a nerd? No? Shame. 

Base reappeared with a bowl of popcorn and a packet of biscuits in tow. He retook his seat and Ian reclaimed his position laying across Bases chest. “Fine but tomorrow I pick the movie”

“You're just going to pick a muppet movie again”

“yes and? Its a classic!” he protested. How could a person not love the muppets?

“And you think I'm a nerd”

“Shut up, films starting” 

~~

Almost four hours later the credits were rolling and Base was wiping tears from his eyes. He had to admit he was pretty close to shedding a few himself. 

“Sam is literally the best friend anyone could wish for” Base said with a sniffle. 

“I disagree” He said waiting for Bases shocked gasp “I think you are”

“Lame ass” 

“Don't you leave me Base Newman” 

“I don't mean to.” Yep they were officially to nerdy for their own good.


	9. Love is ethereal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Base makes a stupid mistake and drags Ian in on the punishment what will happen when they go home that night?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was intended to go a whole other place but im feeling really sappy so here you go
> 
> Final Chapter tomorrow hopefully! 
> 
> Comments, kudos and shares always appreciated!

“Come on hurry up! The sooner we pack everything away the sooner Jan will free us from this torture” Base whined as he collected boxes of supplies off the floor. 

“Its your fault we're doing inventory in the first place! If you hadn't called Jan a 'kind old lady' we could've been out of here two hours ago” 

“BUT SHE IS A KIND OLD LADY!” 

“A kind old lady who can make us inventory the entire store room because you called her old! Wasn't exactly the best way to start your first day as a fully qualified paramedic now was it?” It had been a year since Base came back and just a few days before he had got his exam results in the post stating that he had passed all his exams with flying colours and now was a fully fledged paramedic. He'd been only to pleased to take the 'student paramedic' badges off his uniforms and replace them with the ordinary ones. 

They'd all gone out to celebrate together. Them, Jan, Ruby, Dom, Lofty and Fletch had met up at the pub for a few drinks and a laugh which had ended in Lofty serenading Dom with cheesy love songs till they vanished into the night and Base getting a little too on the sloshed side and accidentality offending their boss. Apparently Jan didn't take two kindly to overgrown ginger idiots sloppily hugging them and calling them old. Now who would've thought that? Jan had punished Base accordingly and he'd got caught in the crossfire for laughing. 

“Come on lets just get this over with” Base sighed picking up another stack of boxes.

~~

It took almost another hour to put everything back in its rightful place and for Jan to give her final approval of the whole affair. Finally they'd been allowed to go home. They were both extremely tired after an already long shift. So tired it took more than one attempt to get the key in the front door. 

“Man I'm shattered” he huffed shrugging off his coat as he walked in. He put it on the hook and turned round to face Base who was looking out the front door at the night sky. He moved up behind him and put his arm round his waist. “What you looking at?” 

“The stars. They're so beautiful tonight. I don't think the sky has been this clear in ages” The moon light was framing Base's face perfectly making his ginger hair glow flame red and his skin appear almost translucent against the freckles that dotted across his face. He was ethereal and beautiful like the night sky itself. Sometimes when he couldn't sleep at night he liked to lay there and count the freckles on his face until he fell asleep. There were so many he always ended up falling asleep first.

How had he ever get so lucky? In all aspects of his life. He never truly appreciated before how lucky he was to have such incredible friends and family in his life. They'd stuck through him through all this and helped him to get better and get his head on straight and continued to help him follow the path of recovery. 

Base continued to stare up at the sky completely mesmerised by the stars. “You're so beautiful” 

“Hmm?” Base asked barely registering he was being spoken to. 

“You are the most beautiful person I've ever met in my life Base Newman” Base turned then cheeks blushing making his freckles stand out bolder than ever. “I will never understand what I did to deserve a second chance with you but I'm eternally grateful for it. I love you so much more than I thought it was physically possible to love another person.” His voice cracked as he tried to fight back the tears. For once they were tears of joy instead of happiness. 

“Ian...” 

“You charged into my life like an elephant on a rampage and turned the whole thing upside down at precisely the moment I needed it. Yes we've had our ups and downs and the downs were about as bad as they could possibly get but you came back to me and you helped me get better. You could've gone on anywhere in the world with your degree once you qualified but you came back to me and helped put me back together again. I'm so proud of how far you've come since Mia and getting clean. You've turned your life around and turned mine with it. I can see a future now and it's because of you.” 

Base was teary eyed to “You didn't need me to do any of that. You always could've on your own you just needed a kick up the arse to get there” 

“I can see a future Base and its a future I want you to be part of. I know this is probably to soon and completely insane. We've not even kissed yet but I want to ask you something?” He leant back into the house and pulled a box out of the small draw by the door frame. “Alasdair Newman will you marry me?” he asked opening the box to reveal a simple gold band with a Celtic engraving on. 

Base looked at him then at the ring then back at him completely silent. He suddenly felt uneasy and exposed standing there holding the box in the doorway for all the world to see. “Say something Base?” he asked 

“Can I kiss you?” he said after a moment “Can I kiss you please?” he bit his own lip gently as he said it. He looked at Base in his warm caring eyes and nodded. 

Base put a hand gently round the back of his neck and the other rested on his waist as he looked down at him. “Yes Ian Dean. Yes I will marry you you soppy romantic bastard” then he leant in and kissed him. It was soft and sweet and filled with every emotion and thought they'd ever wanted to share with the other and couldn't. It contained an entire missing years worth of love and affection. It was perfect. 

“Really?” he asked as they finally parted “You really want to do this with me?” 

He'd thought about it a while ago and thought it ridiculous to ask a man to marry him that he hadn't even kissed yet but he'd been walking past a shop on a shout once and seen the ring in the window and it was like a movie moment as if the ring was glowing and calling to him like in that lord of the rings film. He'd gone back the next day and bought it keeping it hidden in the side drawer which originally was intended to keep their keys safe but had found Base was much more likely to lose them if they were kept safe than he was if he dumped them in a random place. 

“Yes I want to marry you you stupid git. I love you so much.” His heart swelled like it was going to burst with happiness. He was getting married. He had a fiancée. A year ago he didn't plan on being alive any more and now he wanted to live every second he physically could as long as Base was by his side. 

“We're getting married” he said smiling as he pulled the ring from the box and slid it on Base's finger. 

“We're getting married” Base affirmed leaning in to kiss him again. 

“I love you”

“I love you to”


	10. Wedding bells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its the big day for our boys!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh what the hell have the final chapter now! 
> 
> I hope you all liked it!

“How the hell am I supposed to tie this stupid thing anyway?” Base whined as he fiddled with his bow tie. He'd been wrestling with it for over a half an hour but they'd all collectively decided to leave him to it as it was amusing watching him struggle with the small piece of fabric. “Fine I'm not wearing the bloody thing then” he growled ripping it from his collar and tossing it on the bed. 

“Yes you are Base Newman! You are not going out there looking like you've been dragged backwards through a hedge. Come here and sit down” Jan said firmly pointing to the chair in the corner of the room as she picked up the tie. Base did as he was told now well use to obeying Jan when she gave orders. 

It had been two years since he'd proposed that night whilst they looked up at the stars. Which also meant it was two years since their first kiss (and a damn sight more than that once the door was shut). They'd decided not to tell anyone for a few months so they could enjoy it just being between them before the others got involved with the planning. They both agreed they didn't want a big wedding and only wanted their closest friends and family there. They would have the reception in the pub afterwards which would be open to any Holby staff who wanted to come down but the ceremony itself would be held in the church chapel surrounded by all the people who had helped them become who they were. 

The few months had passed and both of them realised neither of them knew a single thing about planning a wedding so had gathered everyone together for their weekly pub session and had shared the news. The noise of them all cheering and clapping and congratulating them had been immense and warmed his heart to know how loving and kind all their friends were. Even Jac Naylor had found him later to 'congratulate them on their pending nuptials' which had been an interesting experience. 

They'd chosen to forgo the tradition of best men and bridesmaids and all the usual stuff and instead both agreed that they wanted Jan to officiate their wedding which she had readily agreed to and sort out a way to get ordained as quick as possible. This had inadvertently made her head of the wedding planning party as well as being the mother figure to both grooms. 

“It's very simple. This goes here and this folds here and you wrap this here and poke it through there. See? A bow tie” Everyone in the room stared at Jan like she was mad. Even Ruby seemed amazed at how quickly she'd tied the bow let alone known how to do it to begin with. 

“you're not human, woman” Fletch said shaking his head as he tied his own tie. He was promptly smacked hard round the back of the head by both Jan and Jac who Fletch had finally seen sense and asked to be his plus one. She was wearing a sequinned scarlet dress that made her flame red hair stand out even brighter that even made his gay ass gawp at how hot she looked as she'd waltzed into the room earlier that day. 

He'd chosen a simple black tux with blue piping on the shirt and Base wore the same but with red to match his hair like Jac had done. Ruby as a wedding gift had got them matching cufflinks of their call signs so they both proudly fitted the 3006 links to their shirts as they put the finishing touches to their outfits. 

Jan and Ruby had moaned at him all morning for not shaving his scruff off but Base had insisted he keep it before kissing him and copping a feel of his ass earning himself a slap off Jan and being told to behave himself. The amount of times over the last two years they'd been caught in compromising positions by other crew members or hospital staff. It seems even the most abandoned store cupboard suddenly became a highway of traffic once they snuck inside. 

He got up from his own chair and walked over to his fiancée (he couldn't believe in a few moments he would be calling someone his husband when he'd only just registered he had a fiancée). Base stood tall over him looking immaculate in his suit. He reached up to straighten his tie further before patting his chest softly. “You look beautiful” 

“You scrub up pretty well yourself handsome” he leered teasingly kissing his lips. 

“oh god not again” Jac groaned rolling her eyes at them “You two are impossibly sappy its like watching children in a playground” but their were no malice in her words going from the small smile she allowed herself to give. 

“You're just jealous you don't get the full show. What do you say we skip the ceremony and go straight for the wedding night eh Base?” he teased kissing the taller man again. 

“mmm I like that idea” 

“Right that's enough of that you two. Save the rest of it for later. I didn't put on a dress just for you two to skip off and screw like bunnies instead of get married like you intended.” Jan said pushing the two apart and standing between them arms outstretched. She'd been the one to insist she wear a dress to the wedding despite them insisting she didn't have to if she didn't want to. It turned out she was only wearing it because her wife wanted them to match and like Ian was with Base she just couldn't say no to her. “Now if you are all ready lets get this show on the road” 

She marched off down the aisle to take her place at the front of the chapel. He and Base had agreed that either both of them walk down the aisle together or neither of them did so when the music queued after everyone had taken their seats they walked hand in hand down the aisle till they reached the steps at the front where they turned to face each other and held each others hands tightly. 

He had expected himself to be nervous all the way up till the wedding. He thought when he actually got down the aisle his whole stomach would be doing somersaults but instead he was calm because Base was standing right in front of him looking at him like he was his whole world. 

The music stopped and Jan began her speech about all the trials and tribulations that had lead them here today. Parts of it made them laugh and parts made him fight back tears which Base reached up to wipe away. The rest made his heart leap with joy as he felt the love radiating around the room. 

“Do you Ian Dean take Base to be your lawfully wedded husband?” Jan asked and Ian was woken from his train of thought to realise her speech had come to a close and the official business had started. 

“I do” he said without hesitation. He had been ready for this moment for two years. 

“And do you Alasdair Newman” he heard snickers from around the room as Base rolled his eyes at the use of his full name “Take Ian to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“without question” he said smiling broadly. 

“Good. Now since all that business is wrapped up and proper. I can now gladly say I pronounce you husbands in matrimony. You may now kiss but keep it PG boys” she said jokingly. 

They kissed as their friends erupted into cheers and applause. He couldn't believe it. They were really married. He had a husband and it was Base? He never would've thought when he got that shout all those years ago that this is where it would lead him... happy and married to the most wonderful man he'd ever met? How lucky was he?  
~~

The reception turned into a massive to do when people from all wards who they had only encounted a few times in their careers came down to wish them congratulations all having heard of the saga which was their love story. 

Serena had made sure the bar was well stocked with expensive drinks which were going down pretty well and Sacha had arrived with a large box of a wedding gift they were both intrigued to open in the coming days. Even Dylan had shown his face for a few moments to wish them well though they both agreed it was probably only because David and Lofty forced him to turn up. The only person who hadn't shown was Gem who still refused to speak to the pair following everything. It hurt him to not have his baby sister there but he knew that one day she would come round and be happy for them. She like they all did just needed time. 

Now though they left their friends to celebrate as they snuck off back home for their first night as a married couple. 

They opened the door like they did most nights and Base joked he should pick him up and carry him over the threshold bridal style earning himself a swift and gentle kick up the backside. 

Instead of staring up at the stars like had become their tradition they shut the door with a firm click and embraced as they looked into each others eyes. “Welcome home, my husband” Base said leaning down to kiss him. 

“It feels so good to call you my husband now. I don't think I can ever grow tired of it” he whispered leaning into Base's chest as they swayed together in the hallway to an invisible song. “I love you so much Base Dean” 

“I love you to”


End file.
